


Beelzebub and Gabriel: The Spin Off

by thanks_for_the_existential_crisis



Series: Anthony J. Crowley: (Semi) Secret Horticulturist and Aziraphale: Closet(ed) Bastard [5]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Aziraphale and Crowley Play Matchmaker, Aziraphale and Crowley Share a Brain Cell (Good Omens), Beelzebub is bi, Bisexual Character, Caring Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley is a Mess (Good Omens), Enemies to Lovers, Gabriel Redemption (Good Omens), Gabriel doesn’t have enough positive tags, Gabriel is having an existential crisis, Himbo Gabriel (Good Omens), I know he sucks but still, Idiots in Love, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Nice Gabriel (Good Omens), Nonbinary Beelzebub (Good Omens), Other, Protective Aziraphale (Good Omens), They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), idiots to lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:41:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26290546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thanks_for_the_existential_crisis/pseuds/thanks_for_the_existential_crisis
Summary: “Well then. Seems he’s been outvoted. This is going to end in disaster. There’s no other outcome. It’s going to be glorious. Not for Gabriel and probably not for Beelzebub but Crowley will enjoy the show. Aziraphale’s bastard streak might even show enough for him to get a kick out of it.“
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Series: Anthony J. Crowley: (Semi) Secret Horticulturist and Aziraphale: Closet(ed) Bastard [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1494602
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	1. Deranged Matchmaking

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Vore is mentioned but I did not and will not explain it. I vaguely remember what it is but I refuse to google it again to get a clearer understanding. Don’t go to images. 
> 
> Gender stuff will come up in this fic and existential crises will be had in relation. ¯\\_(ツ)_/ (Nothing too bad though, don’t worry)

“Well, you and the dorky one are doing it! You got their parents to like you! I don’t see why I wouldn't be able to.” 

“Yeah, his parents are alright with me because I’m not actually awful. I grow plants and skip class. You kick puppies for fun.” Crowley hopes that he’s exaggerating about the puppies. 

“And? I don’t see what you being a loser has to do with anything.” 

Crowley sighs and tries to keep himself from strangling them. He doesn't have to try long. Zira is there soon and his presence is enough to calm him down. 

“What's going on, dearheart?” 

Beelzebub glares and says, “Nothing.” but, well. If anyone can actually help this situation. 

“Beelz wants to screw your brother.” 

Aziraphale blushes and gapes before scowling a bit, “Now, I know Gabriel can be a bit much but honestly he’s sweet and he deserves much better than that!” 

Crowley stands back and watches as Aziraphale stares Beelzebub down in one of his fits of protective fury. This is gold. Until Beelzebub blushes and looks at the floor. 

“I also want to take him on dates and shit.” 

Oh. Oh wow. And then Zira gets that Look on his face. The ‘I’m going to do everything I can for you, you poor child look’ and Crowley knows. He knows, before his Angel even looks over at him with those big blue eyes and that pout, that they're going to be playing matchmaker for the most deranged pairing the world has ever seen. It’s fine. He managed to face down Aziraphale’s entire family when they were being trash. He can handle Beelzebub’s weird crush. Although. Zira’s parents might have actual heart attacks if Gabriel brings Beelzebub home. All the more reason to help so long as he gets to be there to see the looks on their faces. 

“Oh, alright, fine. But is Gabriel even,” Crowley pauses and looks at Beelzebub, “..Gay? Bi..? I’m sorry, we’ve never had this conversation, what actually are your pronouns? I’ve been using they/them in my head for about two years now, you’re very...androgynous?” 

Wow, a genuine smile from Beelzebub. The world must be coming to an end. It doesn’t help that their only response is, “Good.” What does that even mean? 

“Crowley! That is not the proper way to ask someone about that. And how were you friends for that long without actually knowing how to refer to them..?” 

Crowley just shrugs. ‘S not like they were truly friends. They just kind of hung out and got into trouble together. Normal stuff natural enemies do, you know? 

His Angel sighs at him and repeats the pronoun question. 

“Anything is fine really. I don’t care. It’s not like your societal gender roles and expectations can actually contain me anyways.” 

“Well, that’s fine then. I think I’ll stick with they/them to keep it simple and also avoid those roles you don’t seem to appreciate.” 

Beelzebub nods and shrugs. Crowley can tell they’re getting antsy about the whole situation. They’re the one that wanted help. But he can try to intervene and put them at ease he supposes. Or just get straight to the point. Yeah, that’s a better option. He’s going to go with option number B. 

“Alright, so. What do you do for fun? Interests, likes, dislikes? What are we working with here?” 

“I enjoy entomology. And watching youtube videos of predators devouring their prey. Researching the various methods employed by serial killers. Telling people what vore is to see their reactions.” 

“I really hope you aren’t telling us about your sexual interests right now.” 

“Dear Lord, me too. And what on earth is vore?” 

Beelzebub grins, “Well, it’s just-” 

Crowley frowns, “Nope! Nuh uh. Tell you later, Angel. Or not. You really don’t want to know.” 

Crowley startles when Aziraphale grins and claps. His Angel is really getting into this. 

“Gabriel enjoys nature, documentaries, and history! That meshes with entomology, predators and prey, and serial killers! Oh, this is just wonderful.” 

“I don’t really think those ‘mesh’-“ 

“Let the man speak, Crowley!” 

Well then. Seems he’s been outvoted. This is going to end in disaster. There’s no other outcome. It’s going to be glorious. Not for Gabriel and probably not for Beelzebub but Crowley will enjoy the show. Aziraphale’s bastard streak might even show enough for him to get a kick out of it. 


	2. That Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “But this time Beelzebub is with them. And they don’t deal well with authority figures. Or religious people. Or parents. Actually, just people in general. Beelzebub doesn’t deal well with people. Crowley would say other people but he isn’t sure Beelz is actually...a person.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: lowkey satanism I guess

It doesn’t even take a full 48 hours for things to go downhill. Beelzebub and Aziraphale manage to come up with a truly horrendous plan together which involves the two of them and Crowley starting a ‘study group’ that meets at Zira’s house after school every Thursday. The idea is to torture Crowley. Oh, and to get Beelzebub around Gabriel. It doesn’t go well. They’re twelve minutes into reviewing for a quiz coming up in English when Aziraphale’s mom comes through to check on them. This is normal. His Angel’s parents are still wary about them being alone together. He doesn’t really mind. But this time Beelzebub is with them. And they don’t deal well with authority figures. Or religious people. Or parents. Actually, just people in general. Beelzebub doesn’t deal well with people. Crowley would say other people but he isn’t sure Beelz is actually...a person. 

“Aziraphale, your father told me you have a new friend over.” 

“Hello. I’m Beelzebub.” 

Zira’s mom blinks, “As in..?” 

“Yeah. My moms are Satanists. I was actually meant to be a sacrifi-” 

Crowley elbows them behind the table and laughs, “Beelz is just joking.” 

“Hm,” Oh someone, there’s that eyebrow again. At least she’s walking away with her disappointment. 

“Oh dear. I’m going to hear about that one later.” 

“Okay, a tip? Don’t say things like that until they at least have a neutral opinion of you.” 

Beelzebub shrugs and goes back to working on English. Crowley sighs and reels his irritation in. They spend another half hour pretending to be functional human beings before Gabriel walks through. 

“Oh, Gabriel! Could you help us, please? We’re having a bit of trouble with English.” 

“Aziraphale, are you alright? English is your best subject..?” 

Oh, Christ. Really, Angel? You tell your brother you’re having trouble with English? 

“Of course, I just think Beelzebub might understand it better having it explained differently.” 

Crowley has never been more astounded in his life. How does such an intelligent person come up with...this? He supposes it’s too late for something else though. This is what they’ve got. The hill they’re dying on. 

“I suppose I can try. What is it exactly that you’re having trouble with?” 

Gabriel gets in ten minutes of being uncomfortable and minimally helpful honestly before Crowley does his job of moving the conversation away from homework. 

“This quiz isn’t until next week. Why are we fighting with it so hard? It’s boring. Beelzebub, tell them it’s boring.” 

“Crowley-” 

Beelzebub cuts Aziraphale off, “He’s right. It’s boring.” 

“Thank you!” Crowley turns to Gabriel and tries to look ‘friendly’ and ‘genuinely interested.’ It’s difficult but he has a job to do, “So, Gabriel, how are things? Anything new happening?” 

Gabriel blinks and stares at him. Wow. This is much more interesting than English. Why is he doing this again? Really, this part should have been Zira. It’s about two minutes of awkward silence and staring before Gabriel flinches and glares at Aziraphale. Did his Angel just kick his brother under the table? Oh, Crowley is so proud. 

“No. Nothing new.” 

Crowley fights back a sigh and nods, “Life is life, huh? I heard that they got a new paper shredder in the office.” 

“Yes. It’s made disposing of old papers more efficient.” 

Oh right. This is why Crowley is doing it. He’s the only one capable of feigning interest. And hiding that he’d rather be stabbed than continue the conversation. This is awful. It’s like eating broken glass. 

“That must make it nicer to work there.” 

Gabriel nods. Just nods. C’mon dude. A little help here. 

“Oh! Why don’t we all go into the living room and put on a movie?” 

Oh, thank someone. Anyone. Finally. 

“That sounds...lovely. But I would rather be. Anywhere else.” 

They may not be able to tell but on the inside Crowley is screaming and ripping his hair out. 

Aziraphale frowns and looks dejected, “You don’t want to watch a movie with us, Gabriel?” 

Gabriel sighs, “I would love to watch a movie with you little brother. Just let me get changed, I’ll be right back.” 

His Angel smiles, “Of course, we’ll wait to pick until you’re back.” 

Gabriel goes off, to his room presumably, to change clothes and the rest of them head into the living room. 

“This isn’t working. It’s like talking to a wall.” 

“What? No, he was very pleased. He really does enjoy the new paper shredder they got.” 

Crowley stares at his Angel. Blinks. Stares some more. 

“What..?” 

“How the hell could you tell? He was hardly even responding.” 

Aziraphale starts to respond but Beelzebub cuts him off, “You didn’t notice? He was doing That Thing, you know, with his jacket? Means he’s happy about something.” 

“Yes… Yes, precisely. He probably would have gone on a bit of a rant about it if he was speaking with me or one of his friends. He’s not as comfortable with you.” 

Crowley looks between his Angel and Beelzebub. Zira knows because it’s his brother. Beelz knows because apparently they’re further gone than Crowley thought. 

“Alright, well. Guess I need to learn whatever language that is if we’re going to be doing this much longer. What movies are we thinking?” 

“Human centipede.” 

“Beelz. In every manner of the word: No.” 

“Well, Gabriel has a soft spot for period romances. Don’t tell anyone. If Beelzebub were to suggests Pride and Prejudice or something of the sort he would no doubt be very pleased.” 

“The one from 2005 with Keira Knightly?” 

Crowley and Aziraphale turn to look at them. 

Beelzebub glares and crosses their arms, “What?” 

“I believe so, yes. The woman from the pirate movies?” 

Beelzebub nods and sits on the couch, “I would be open to watching that.” 

Crowley blinks and looks at Aziraphale. Zira just looks back and shrugs because he’s unhelpful like that. Crowley loves him though. 

“So, what movie are we watching?” 

“Pride and Prejudice.” 

“2005?” 

Beelzebub turns their head to respond to Gabriel and promptly freezes. Crowley doesn’t blame them. He’s a bit frozen too, although probably for a different reason. Gabriel in a T-shirt and sweats is practically sacrilegious. Beelz might get a nosebleed though. 

“Yeah, 2005. Pirate lady Keira Knightly. Great movie I’m sure. Me and Zira will sit in the chair.” 

Aziraphale blushes and glares at him, “Crowley, there’s only one chair.” 

“Yeah, and Beelz is on the _couch_ so we can sit together if we sit in the _chair._ You don’t want to sit with me, Angel? I’m hurt, truly.” 

Gabriel looks at them and then at the couch, “You could both fit on the couch still..?” 

Crowley grins, “Oh no. Couldn’t possibly. Chair is more of a loveseat anyways.” 

Aziraphale swats at his arm and shoos him over to sit down. 

“Gabriel, can you put the movie on?” 

A nod and some messing with the TV later and they’re all settled down to watch a movie. A movie Gabriel and Beelzebub both love apparently. Sure, Gabriel and Beelz are on opposite sides of the couch but they’re sitting together. And Crowley’s got his Angel sitting with him. Could have gone worse, all in all. Oh Go- Sat- Somebody, he has to do this _again_ next Thursday doesn’t he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “That thing” being that he straightens it. In a very pleased manner. I was trying to figure out what a stiff, put-together person might do and I was just ‘Oh he’ll fix his clothes. Perfect.’ (I tried to put this as a linked footnote but that did not work out. Maybe next time guys.) 
> 
> Yes, I did give Gabriel and Beelzebub both a love for period romances. Yes, it is based entirely on my own love for period romances.


	3. Dissonance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ““You’ve got a little,” Beelzebub snorts and points at Gabriel’s shoulder. Apparently the sound of something crashing into a wall had been Beelzebub’s cup. Which they had thrown in Garbiel’s general direction.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Nothing really. Its a pretty chill chapter.

After three weeks of incredibly painful Thursdays Crowley is near crying. He’s sick of conversations about printers and paper shredders and ink brands. Gabriel _must_ have a better interest than that surely? But any other topic and he tries to leave. Once he actually did leave and Beelzebub looked _sad_ which is just some kind of dissonance for Crowley so he’s never letting it happen again. 

They’re on week four and progress has been minimal so Crowley has decided that drastic measures are in order. He waits until Gabriel has accepted his fate of being drawn into his little brother’s study group. Then he stands up. 

“Hey, Angel? Think I’ve got something in my eye. Can you help me check?” 

He sees three bodies freeze and three heads turn to stare at him in shock and horror. He kind of wants to laugh. Instead, he keeps his hand over his eye and stares Aziraphale down. 

“Pretty please? Cherry on top?” 

Finally, Aziraphale stands and follows Crowley to the bathroom. It was really getting a bit awkward. 

“Crowley, what on earth are you doing?” 

“Giving them some alone time. To see if they’re actually capable of having a conversation or just existing without one of them killing the other.” 

His Angel glares for another few seconds then sighs. Ha. Crowley wins again. 

“Well, how long do you want to wait? We do have to go back at some point.” 

Crowley nods and links their arms, “Yes, we do. But first, we get to eavesdrop Angel.” 

So, they sneak back to the kitchen doorway and stay very very very quiet. Its sneaky time after all. 

Crowley almost rushes back in when he hears something that sounds like someone is being strangled but Zira holds him back. It turns out that’s a good thing because the next thing he hears is Beelz saying something he did not see coming. 

“That’s your laugh? No wonder you never do it. I wouldn’t either.” 

“Oh, shut up fruit fly.” 

“Oi, you take that back bastard.” 

“Of course, Butterfly, whatever you say.” 

Crowley blinks. He blinks again. Then he sends a ‘Thanks’ down below that the sound of something crashing into the wall covers up the strangled “Ngk” he lets out. 

“We had better go back in,” Aziraphale whispers to him looking incredibly concerned. Probably more for the state of the kitchen than for Beelz or his brother. 

When they walk back into the room Gabriel and Beelzebub are both _smiling._ It’s as if they are actively attempting to kill him. Crowley can’t handle this. So. Much. Dissonance. It’s fine though. It’s fine. He will be perfectly fine. So long as he has his Angel things can’t really be too bad. 

“You’ve got a little,” Beelzebub snorts and points at Gabriel’s shoulder. Apparently the sound of something crashing into a wall had been Beelzebub’s cup. Which they had thrown in Garbiel’s general direction. 

Gabrial laughs and brushes it off, “Thanks, Bumblebee.” 

“Angel.” 

“Hm?” 

“Am I hallucinating?” 

“No, dear.” 

Crowley nods, “Good. Wanna go...anywhere else?” 

Aziraphale starts to agree when Gabriel interrupts him, “Oh! You should stay. We were thinking about watching a movie.” 

Crowley and Aziraphale blink and look at each other. 

“Why don’t you and Beelz do that and Angel and me will go get something to eat?” 

Beelzebub shrugs, “Whatever losers. You don’t get to help choose the movie then.” 

Crowley nods and pulls Zira outside. They make it to the car before he can’t hold it in anymore, “What in heaven's sake was that?! I thought they might talk about school or copy machines or something. They were both laughing? Angel, I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.” 

“Well dear,” his Angel pats his shoulder, “I did tell you two that Gabriel was quite sweet. Once you get past his...stuffiness.” 

Crowley sighs and starts his car. Once they agree on what to pick up to eat its only 40 minutes or so before they get back to Zira’s house. Somehow all four of them survive the rest of the night and Crowley goes to bed later thankful that this nightmare is finally coming to an end. His relief does not last long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter comes to you from someone who has no concept of time. Sorry its been longer than I meant to take to post this chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> Canon Gabriel might be too much of a prick to be a himbo but My Gabriel is a himbo and no one will take that away from me.
> 
> Yes, Beelzebub is edgy. Yes, they’re doing it on purpose. No, that will probably not change throughout the fic much if at all.


End file.
